I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
