i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Please don't give away my fajitas
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