Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
