So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
