i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
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fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
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There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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