just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think my moral compass just broke
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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