There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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