And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
