Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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