So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Randomize
