oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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