I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
