so explain again why im purple
no
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
