im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
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Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
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My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"