i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!