that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.