My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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