yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
