the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
