Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
