You really coming over, don't trick.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
