Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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