Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
