i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
