you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
