Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
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Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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