My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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