Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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