sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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