Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
