Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My ass is underappreciated
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I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize