you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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