LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
