So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
