My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
