the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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