You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
