She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
