yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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