Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
