Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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