you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
