dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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