Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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