bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
