my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
