peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
