Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
