Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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