I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
