Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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