I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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