im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
