I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
