I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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