I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
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You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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