new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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