Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
