i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
