i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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