I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I came so hard my ears popped.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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